Posted by Matt and Ryan 4/28/2008 - 12:04 a.m.

After two straight days of watching Mel Kiper and company give us the lowdown on 252 NFL draft prospects, the Oddballs were in the mood to do a little football prognosticating of our own. This being a baseball blog and all, it presented quite the conundrum. Until we figured out this little numbers game:

Number of starting offensive and defensive football players: 22

Add a kicker, punter and return specialist: 25

What’s the number of active players on a baseball roster you ask? 25!

With the math working out so conveniently, we were left with no choice but to painstakingly assign the Cubs and Sox to a hypothetical football roster. After hours upon hours in the film room and hundreds of interviews with the many scouts who specialize in projecting major league baseball players as football players, we managed to piece the two squads together.

Why did we do this, you ask? Call it intellectual curiosity. Also, we figured if you’re checking in on this blog, there is a solid chance you have some time to kill. We’re happy to oblige.

Without further ado, your 2008 Chicago Football Cubs and White Sox!

Chicago Football Cubs

The backfield:

QB: Mark DeRosa
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 205

RB: Ryan Theriot
Ht: 5-11 Wt: 175

FB: Michael Wuertz
Ht: 6-3 Wt: 205

The Cubs figure to have a significant edge at the quarterback position, guided by the steady Ivy League hands of DeRosa. A former All-State quarterback during his high school days in New Jersey, DeRosa went on to start under center at the University of Pennsylvania. DeRosa has been described as having a real gunslinger mentality. Some might even say he has a little Brett Favre in him. Other quarterbacks he has been compared include Steve Beuerlein, Rich Gannon, and Shane Falco. DeRosa is a fiery leader in the huddle who can make all the throws and protects the football well. While not a major threat outside the pocket, he has enough mobility to bide time against the pass rush.

I should stop talking before the Bears sign him and I have to find a new signal caller.

While Theriot does not have extensive football experience as far as I have been able to determine in my exhaustive research (reading his wikipedia entry), he did attend LSU. I figure a little something must have rubbed off on him during his Tiger days. The Riot has excellent vision and burst at the line of scrimmage with good lateral movement. He plays bigger than his size, can pick up yards in between the tackles and is a dependable receiver out of the backfield. He will need to improve pass blocking. Because he’s never done it before. His football nickname will be “Cajun Lightning”. Try not to get struck.

As for the fullback Michael Wuertz … I believe you mean Michael “Ironhead” Wuertz.

Receivers:
WR: Felix Pie
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 170

WR: Ronny Cedeno
Ht: 6-0 Wt: 170

TE: Derrek Lee
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 245

The athletic crop of receivers DeRosa will have at his disposal provides a nice blend of speed, strength and savvy. Pie is a legitimate home run threat.

(Note: We could run into some serious confusion here with the football-baseball mixed metaphors. In this case “home run threat” actually means touchdown threat. Why is it that the baseball players who are actual home run threats are never referred to as “touchdown threats” … it’s a mystery.)

Cedeno lacks the spectacular top-end speed of Pie, but he gets excellent separation coming out of his breaks thanks to his many years of playing his other favorite game, Ultimate Frisbee.

(Note: Some player information has been completely fabricated).

Lee, a former basketball recruit at the University of North Carolina (really), presents a matchup nightmare for opposing defenses. He’s particularly dangerous in the red zone. He has been called “The Antonio Gates of Hypothetical Football Teams Made from Baseball Players.”

Offensive line:

LT: Geovany Soto
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 225

LG: Kerry Wood
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 210

C: Henry Blanco
Ht: 5-11 Wt: 220

G: Jon Lieber
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 240

RT: Daryle Ward
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 240

The fiery Blanco has learned quite a bit about what it takes to be a center from his frequent bowling trips with Olin Kruetz.

(See previous note about Ultimate Frisbee).

But honestly, catchers have to go on the offensive line, do they not? Center seems particularly appropriate since both positions involve hands going in between legs. In this case, it’s somebody else’s hands, but I’m sure Blanco won’t mind. He and DeRosa seem to get along okay.

As for the rest of the line, they plan to implement a zone-blocking scheme similar to that of the Denver Broncos. I wish Kerry Wood hadn’t slimmed down, but I think he’ll still be a tenacious cut blocker. Although I suppose in the long run it’s more important that he improved his conditioning for real baseball, even if it costs me some bulk on my hypothetical offensive line.

The Cubs line up in a 3-4 defense that features complex blitzing schemes and a nasty disposition. We are experimenting with “The Blue Brigade” as a possible nickname. Sean Marshall is looking in to getting some T-shirts made.

Defensive line:

DE: Sean Marshall
Ht: 6-7 Wt: 220

NT: Carlos Zambrano
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 255

DE: Aramis Ramirez
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 215

Sean Marshall may not seem like the sort of intimidating fellow to strike fear in the hearts of opposing quarterbacks. Just think of him as a cross between former Green Bay Packer defensive end Sean Jones and Chicago Bears linebacker Wilbur Marshall. Intimidated now?

Ramirez used to kill bull sharks with his bare hands growing up in the Dominican Republic.

But the real prize of this group is Zambrano. While he’s a mortal lock to pick up a personal foul or three in every game, I can’t imagine anybody being too keen to mix it up with Big Z down in the trenches. Could you imagine lining up in front of him as he’s pacing back and forth pounding his chest like a lunatic before he gets down in his stance and starts giving you the crazy eyes? He’s going to be a menace out there.

Linebackers:

OLB: Alfonso Soriano
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 180

ILB: Bob Howry
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 220

ILB: Ryan Dempster
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 215

OLB: Kevin Hart
Ht: 6-4 Wt: 220

I’m not going to lie … when I set out on this little endeavor I didn’t envision a 3-4 defense with a group of linebackers drawn primarily from the pitching staff. But they have to play somewhere, right? Howry and Hart are big boys. And Dempster in Canadian, so he has that going for him.

As for Soriano … he may be a little undersized for the position, but he’ll bring some much-needed speed to the group. Until he pulls a quad or something and we have to slide Matt Murton in there.

Defensive backs:

CB: Carlos Marmol
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 180

SS: Jason Marquis
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 210

FS: Kosuke Fukudome
Ht: 6-0 Wt: 185

CB: Reed Johnson
Ht: 5-10 Wt: 180

Marmol has the opportunity to continue in the storied tradition of great Dominican cover corners like … umm … yeah. I can’t remember ever seeing him run the bases, and I know he used to be a catcher so that probably ought to be a red flag. But he seems like he would be reasonably fast, right? If not, we can arm him with a bag of baseballs and he can mow down receivers with devastating fastballs.

After Reed Johnson’s mind-blowing catch against the Nationals, I am convinced there is nothing the man cannot do.

Jason Marquis just seems like a natural strong safety. He’s going to be the guy you don’t want to meet coming over the middle. The Cubs use him as a pinch runner when they run out of position players, so he clearly has at least reasonable speed. He also strikes me as a steady tackler, based on no evidence whatsoever.

As for Fukudome, I picture him being the heart and soul of the defense despite possible communication difficulties. You probably think I’m going to go for some lame, stereotype-laden rant about various martial arts maneuvers Fukudome will perform on opposing receivers. Well, I’m not going there. We’re already on thin ice with him after the whole “Horry Kow” debacle.

My vision? After leading the Football Cubs to three consecutive fictional Super Bowls, a fictional football stadium will be erected in his honor. The name? The FukuDome.

Special teams:

P: Rich Hill
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 205

K: Ted Lilly
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 190

PR/KR: Mike Fontenot
Ht: 5-8 Wt: 170

I was really hoping to unearth some delicious nugget of information like “Rich Hill was a midfielder on the junior national soccer team before discovering his nasty curveball”. But honestly, the two lefties in the Cubs’ starting rotation just seem like the most likely candidates to get hurt out there. Just a feeling. If I had my druthers, Zambrano would be the pick, as I recall reading he was quite the futbol player back in his day. But as critical as field position may be, we need Carlos in the trenches.

Fontenot has never once been called the White Devin Hester. Until now.

Chicago Football White Sox

The current 25 man roster of the Chicago White Sox is not a team that features a lot of explosiveness at the skill positions.  This is a smash mouth football team designed to shove the football down your throat all game and start the game playing defense.  I’d love to get the 40 times of all of our players, but unfortunately that information is confidential…because it’s painfully embarrassing.
Here’s the squad:

Offense

The backfield:

QB: Scott Linebrink
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 215

RB: Orlando Cabrera
Ht: 5-9 Wt: 185

I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say that the backfield of this group may be the most glaring weakness.  Quite frankly, I don’t know that Scott Linebrink can throw a football any better than he can dance a jig (he seems the foolhardy, jig-dancing type), but I have a feeling Linebrink possesses the veteran moxie Scott Bakula brought to the character Paul Blake as he saved the Texas Armadillos in Necessary Roughness.

That’s right, Necessary Roughness.

As for Cabrera he’s got speed and quickness and will disappear behind the wall of monsters that form known as the White Sox offensive line.  Even Cedric Benson would be a 1,000 yard rusher behind this impenetrable barricade of man-beasts.

Offensive line:

OT: Jim Thome
Ht: 6-3 Wt: 255

OT: Bobby “The Anvil” Jenks
Ht: 6-3 Wt: 275

OG: Mark Buerhle
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 230

OG: Joe Crede
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 230

C: Paul Konerko
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 220

The proof is in the pudding here with this group of seasoned veterans. Perhaps pudding had a hand in giving a couple of these brutes the significant size advantage they bring to the table. Or from the table, as the case may be … particularly for Bobby  Jenks whose hasn’t skipped a meal since the invention of the zipper…yes the one that seals your trousers.

Jim Thome and Joe Crede form a lethal combination on the left side of the line protecting Linebrink’s blind side. Rumor has it that Thome’s wingspan and flawless technique in drive blocking make him comparable to former Bear Jimbo Covert.  I’d also like to add that anyone called Jimbo has to be either a professional athlete, a truck driver, or the annual actor playing Santa at your local shopping mall. 

Moving right along.

Buerhle’s juke move on Devin Hester when the speedster threw out the first pitch at a recent Sox game showed me that he has the quickness to pull to the edge and knock the Hubba Bubba bubblegum out of the outside linebacker making the charge … be it Alfonso Soriano or Hunter Hillenmeyer.  Paulie Walnuts gets the center position because his hands are extremely quick at the plate, meaning he can snap the ball and get his hands on the defensive player that he’s assigned to block in one fluid motion.  One might say poetry in motion, I’d say he has a motor that won’t quit and a passion for football unparalleled on the field.  At least that’s what Todd McShay told me.

Receivers:
WR: Boone Logan
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 210

WR: Alexei Ramirez
Ht: 6-3 Wt: 185

TE: Matt Thornton
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 245

TE: Nick Masset
Ht: 6-4 Wt: 245

Going away from the traditional I-Back formation is a no brainer with this collection of size, speed and agility at the TE position.  The team runs a dual TE formation to make room on the line for Nick Masset aand Matt Thornton: Two young, powerful weapons in both the rushing game and passing game.  Where do I get my info you ask?  I watch the pitchers shag fly balls in batting practice and Masset and Thornton have both displayed excellent body control and ability to adjust to the trajectory of the ball on a dime.  These gamers have the size of offensive lineman and run routes on par with the receivers.  You didn't know that shagging fly balls was just an extension of being an unstoppable TE?  Where have you been?

Alexei Ramirez and Boone Logan create a myriad of problems for the opposing team’s secondary.  Ramirez’s top-end speed and ability to create space from the corner give Linebrink and this otherwise plodding offense the “homerun” threat needed to keep the defense honest. Ramirez runs the simple go pattern better than Fast Willie Gault.  Of course, Fast Willie Gault is now in his mid forties so if Ramirez can’t top him than this offense is in Jonathan Quinn at the helm type trouble.

Boone Logan provides Linebrink with a safety net as his route running is as complex as a game of tic tac toe.  He runs a button hook, a slant and a 15-yard out route…but you better believe he does those three routes better than Martha Stewart makes a center piece.

Now for the defense, or I should say the swarm of ball hawking animals wreaking havoc on the puny excuses for football players the Cubs have on offense.

Defensive line:

DT: AJ Pierzynski
Ht: 6-4 Wt: 240

DT Toby Hall
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 255

DE Jermaine Dye
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 245

DE Jose Contreras
Ht: 6-4 Wt: 255

Size is the story once again on the other side of the line in the trenches.  Having both catchers anchor the middle of the defense seemed all too easy with AJ’s fiery personality and propensity to be involved in violent altercations making him a disruptive force up the middle.  Pierzynski holds his own at run blocking but his advantage is his ability to get in the heads of the opposing team’s players often resulting in blown blocking assignments and shoddy quarterback play.  This is where his partner in crime at the other DT spot becomes a playmaker.

Toby Hall’s nickname is T-Dog.  His position is defensive tackle.  That’s that.

Jermaine Dye was chosen as one of a select few players to sport the coveted Jumpman logo which Michael Jordan himself gives permission to do so.  This signifies to me that Jermaine Dye is a man amongst boys because if Michael thinks him worthy of the Jumpman, he must be a tremendous all around athlete.  That and it’s reported that Dye suited up for his high profile college football team.  That is assuming you’ll agree with me that Cosumnes River College is high profile…or even has a profile.

Jose Contreras makes up the fourth and final spot on the line mostly because he’s a mammoth and his ability to eat space will keep the TE from releasing off the line.  Contreras is also an extremely powerful man with his legs having been compared to the trunks of sycamore trees.  By me. Just now.

Linebackers:
MLB: Brian Anderson
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 220

OLB: Carlos Quentin
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 220

OLB: Gavin Floyd
Ht: 6-5 Wt: 230

This trio of chiseled athletes fly around the field hoping the ball is closest to them so they can make the hit.  Anderson seems the perfect fit for middle linebacker given his experience playing center field, as he has the speed necessary to go from sideline to sideline.  He also seems like he’s one of the cockier guys on the team who was all too comfortable being the school bully in his youth knocking the lunch tray out of the hands of the Robbie Goulds of the world.

Carlos Quentin’s image on the jumbotron at US Cellular Field has reportedly made dozens children ages 4-8 cry due to it’s display of unbridled ferocity.  Basically, it looks like Quentin could eat a normal sized human being, which is a trait I always look for in my ‘backers.

Gavin Floyd gets the nod at the other OLB.  He’s from Texas, he had to have played football at some point, right?  Don’t they all play football there?

Secondary:
SS: Nick Swisher
Ht: 6-0 Wt: 215

FS: Juan Uribe
Ht: 6-0 Wt: 225

CB: John Danks
Ht: 6-1 Wt: 200

CB: Pablo Ozuna
Ht: 5-11 Wt: 200

The cornerbacks aren’t exactly making me sleep well at night going into this showdown, but my safeties are as solid as Mel Kiper’s weave.  Nick Swisher was actually recruited by a number of Division I colleges to play strong safety which means I don’t even need to make anything up to validate his dominance at the position.

Juan Uribe may not appear to have the speed necessary to play in the secondary…ok, I concede that he absolutely doesn’t have the speed.  I just like the idea of Juan Uribe having a 15-yard running start and plowing into an unsuspecting Felix Pie.

Instinctive.  Tremendous athlete.  Good open field tackler.  Excellent ball skills.  All valid descriptions of first-round draft pick Mike Jenkins in this year’s draft.  Seemed to fit well with what Pablo brings to the position.  Thank you very much Mr. Kiper.

John Danks is going to get beat playing corner, period.  But he’s going to play dirty…I’m talking kick in the groin dirty.  That’s all he’s got. 

Special teams:

K: Javier Vasquez
Ht: 6-2 Wt: 210

P: Ehren Wassermann
Ht: 6-0 Wt: 185

PR/KR: Octavio Dotel
Ht: 6-0 Wt: 215

Javier strikes me as having the ability to knock down a 50-yard field goal with three seconds to go in the fourth quarter and the wind swirling in his face.  I also like my kicker to be able to make tackles in the event that the return man burns the coverage unit, unlike 47-year old kicker Morten Anderson whose contract includes a clause that states he is not responsible for making tackles due to the concern that he would most likely die.

Ehren Wassermann strikes me as the guy that everyone else in the clubhouse makes fun of, and those guys are always punters or kickers.

I don’t think Octavio Dotel is especially elusive or fast.  I just like saying the word Octavio.  That’s reason enough for me to make him my special teams ace.

Well folks, there you have it. What do you think of the selections? What glaring oversights have we made? Who would win were the stars to align and allow such a game to actually take place? We’re waiting to hear from you.

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Favorite comment was for DLee, "the Antonio Gates of Hypothetical Football Teams Made from Baseball Players." Zambrano would clearly do well at the nose, but his craziness would be a little more scary when roving around as middle linebacker eyeing-down Scott Linebrink and making him pee his pants

This is the stupidest thing I've ever read and I am now dumber for having read it.

RYAN SAYS:

Clearly this is not a post for everyone. Just thought we'd join in the spirit of draft weekend. Come on kids, have fun with it!

MATT SAYS: I award us no points. May God have mercy on our souls.

The Cubs need to reacquire Kyle Farnsworth to complete this team then. Its a shame the fascists at MLB keep such a tight lockdown on their footage - I loved watching Farnsy lower his shoulder and level Paul Wilson.

That being said, if Mark DeRosa ever utters a line like "Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever!" I'm gonna throw up a little bit in my mouth.

MATT SAYS: Clearly Farnsworth would have been a valuable addition to the squad. I was also hoping Jeff Samardzija might get the call up from the minors to give the Cubs a dangerous QB-WR combo.

the cubs would kick the sox aces, based on DeRo and Zambrano alone. DLee makes for a great target, too.

MATT SAYS: I agree, the DeRosa-Lee combination would be the offense's bread and butter. I think Zambrano could play for the Bears ...

its too bad fields isnt up with the White Sox, because hed cleary be a better quarterback that DeRosa, Fields could have gone pro at QB being a Former Pac 10 All Conference Player and Oklahoma State. I also personally believe that Pablo Ozuna would be our best Runningback

RYAN SAYS:

Right you are Kevin, Josh Fields is Oklahoma State's all time leader in TDs thrown...I tried to make a case for a call to the minors but realized that would have given the enemry Jeff Smarhjoajroa or however you spell it, and that would have been trouble for the secondary.

hahahahaha....the shane falco reference is spectacular

MATT SAYS: I thank you. Keanu Reeves thanks you. Gene Hackman thanks you.

Does anyone else who has appeared in multiple sports movies have a bigger gap between best and worst efforts than Gene Hackman? Going from coaching Hickory High to the Washington Sentinels is quite a drop off ...

Soriano has to be either a corner or reciever, that's wasted speed at linebacker. With Pie and Soriano streaking down field, the middle would be wide open for Derek Lee.

I doubt the Riot could take the pounding at running back, he should be wr/db/k. Let Murton run the ball. He could pound it inside for a consistent 3 yards and a clound of dust.

MATT SAYS: I have to say ... looking back I think Soriano at linebacker may be one of my more suspect coaching moves. I guess no one can figure out where to play him no matter what sport he's playing ...

Hmmmmmmm...... I'm as die-hard of a Sox fan as there is, and, I gotta be honest here, I had no idea just how friggin' BIG our entire team is! No wonder we can't steal any bases! For the record, I have no clue as to the ultimate results of a Sox/Cubs footbal game, but, looking at the tale of the tape, the Sox would administer a physical beat-down of epic proportions on their undersized cross-town compadres.

MATT SAYS: You are right Larry, the Cubs are frighteningly undersized in this matchup. I'm hoping superior speed and (at least as far as I can tell) physical conditioning might swing things in their favor.

I might be dumber for having read this, but so what, I'm happier nonetheless. By the way, what position would Mark Prior have played if he were still on the team and what would the over/under be on how soon he would end up hurt.

MATT SAYS: Dumber but happier ... that should probably be this blog's motto.

As for Prior, he checks in at 6'5" 225 and showed reasonable athleticism in handling the bat and navigating the basepaths. I could see him as a tight end option if not for Lee. He'd probably wind up on one of the lines though, using his lower body strength to hold his ground at the point of attack. He would suffer an injury sometime around the third game of the imaginary season. I'm thinking some kind of bursitis.

I don't think Shane Falco gets enough press. If the man can throw a winning TD underwater, what team could pass on him?

RYAN SAYS:

What about Paul Blake? No one remember Necessary Roughness?

All I know is that I couldn't stop imagining Ditka dressed as a cheerleader, so I am leaving the office early and heading to the nearest bar to cleanse my mind.

RYAN SAYS:

Get to the bar, on the double man! And hold a seat and a shot of rye for me.

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